I AM SCARED

This is what happends when you let your mind onto paper. Its fresh, real, raw, and straight off the cusp but it was my fellings at this moment. oh, by the way, this was me freaking out but im better now.

I

       long for something more something beyond what is in front of me and deeper than what I have ever learned or been shown. I am burdened with sorrow but I don't know why. Or, maybe I do. Its hard to tell when you are all alone and left with seemingly nothing. I hate how I feel, and my image of myself is less than satisfactory. I feel alone in this world, and I have for some time now. I have masked it with the laughter of people around me and by my rash whims of love and desire. But, its now that I am left alone with myself and left alone with my thoughts that I see that I am lost. Im lost in my own self, lost in this world that engulfs my every being. It clear...im lost. Its a scary thing to be all alone, and lost. Not knowing whats around the corner or on the other side of the bend. Not knowing who you are or what you are living for seems to be even worse. Its all lost. I long for something more. I long for purpose, I long for life, I long for happiness, I long for love, and I long to never be alone.

I am so broken and confused seemingly going through the motions of day to day life and now that I am finally free, to that place that I knew would one day come, that time when I had the world at my finger tips and I would set myself free, well that time is now. It has come. It is right in front of me. I have opened the screen door to the house that has for so long kept me bound and I look out to the field, with the wind making waves in the tall grass and I don't know what to do. I have lost all sense of direction and I stand there anxious but fearful.

I stand there looking toward a direction that is no different from the others. It could be west or north but I wouldn't know the difference if it was east or south, but it matters. The direction matters because each direction unleashes something different. So I guess it makes sense to just go for it, and take what ever comes my way. Right? Because until I know where I am, how will I ever know where im going?

The clock tics on and life moves around me not stopping to wait for me. there is no waiting. My heart, mind and soul long for something more something significant something special but all I have to go on is chance. It sounds silly, because what do I have to lose?  It all sounds like nonsense but I feel it. I feel it all.  Bottom line, im not afraid to say.....

AM SCARED!